Note: I've been considering if I should post this up or not. Since it is something rather sensitive and ppl would rather not dwell in it. But this blog serves as my virtual diary too. So in the end, I decided to post it up rather than leaving it in the draft box.
I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I'm typing this out of the blue and to see how far I could go.
It's been six years and five months since that incident happened. I've never really shared my feelings with anyone, not even my sisters. It's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Even mentioning the word 'papa' was, still is very hard for me. There's always the sudden silence and awkwardness before mentioning it even if it does not necessarily refer to him.
I've always wondered how our lives will differ if he is still around. Will there be any changes? Will I still be as close to him compared to my younger years? Will his presence influence my decision on my future? Millions of questions and that's all the questions that I will never be able to find out.
Sometimes when I'm out somewhere, I would turn and look twice when I saw this familiar looking man. Often dress in polo shirt with a breast pocket filled with papers etc and a black pants. Spectacles. I'm not imagining or seeing things. It was a look-alike uncle.
The other day we were talking about moustaches, goatee and beard in class. I've said something about how much I like the feeling of stubbles brush against the skin, how I miss it and it's a bittersweet memory for me. It was kind of like a relieve for me, to have said those things. But nobody knew what I was talking about or they didn't want to dwell into that topic.
And everytime I see my nephews, there's a feeling of disappointment because they did not have the chance to meet and know him, or even learn how to pronounce 'wai kong'. They would never know how loving and caring their grandfather was. If he's still around, the two boys will be so spoilt that even my sister couldn't control them.
I miss talking to him, telling him about my adventures in school, what I talked to my friends about, what I've learned during science class on that particular day. Just to impress him.
I miss the times when he would pull me out of bed in the morning for school.
I miss the times when he would co-ax me after an argument with my sister.
I miss the times when he would bring me to little makan adventure.
I miss the times when he would just sit there and listen to my rambles.
I miss the times when he would get cheeky with me.
I miss the times when he would patiently wait outside the school's compound for school to end.
I miss the times when ...
It's a mess. I think I should stop here.
